This post was meant to be named "Life updates" (as if someone would be actually interested in them) and written last October. Well... never was (although I made an attempt!)
But it's now or never, and it's time for me to write it all down, mostly to get along with my mental health again, tear my heart out and to let go once and for all. There definitely is something in the idea of total strangers reading about my dreams, achievements and struggles. Let's say it's a confession.
And it's a long one, so if you fancy a read, make yourself a cuppa and dive in.
Capitol 1: How dreams come true
So it all started back in 2017... or maybe in 2016? Ooor probably me and my destiny have met in 2015? Does it even matter though? I'm just getting all nostalgic again.Basically, after a year and something of learning Czech, one failed and one successful attempt to get to Uni, in September of 2018 I moved to the Czech Republic. You know, that small beautiful country in the middle of Europe. Highly recommended for a visit by the way.
I'm living here, in the second-largest city Brno, and I even did a blogpost about it back in 2017.
Here I have a part of a draft that I wrote at the Vienna airport while waiting for my bus to Brno when my nerves were on the highest point and I was scared and excited and didn't know what to expect at all:
"If someone asked me how I feel... Gosh, I don't know. You see, it's a strange feeling when you're exhausted from your early morning flight, you're scared but excited. I guess, I'm just not used to the thought of what's going on. Not yet.Wow haha, huh.
And what's going on is I'm kinda moving for studying in Uni. To another country.
Wow haha."
The biggest trick was that I thought it's the hardest part. Ha, surprise bitch, life never fails to disappoint. Even though I wanted it, I planned it, I worked for it, leaving my family and friends was bloody hard. The only fact that would calm me down a bit was that I knew that I had someone there waiting for me and rooting for me and helping me every step on the way. But we'll get to that later.
And for now, welcome to...
Capitol 2: Heartbreak #1
Now, everything was fine for about one and a half weeks. Until one evening when my mom called me and told to sit down, I instantly knew something has happened. That evening on October 10th she told me that my dad had died unexpectedly. I mean, eleven days ago they both drove me to the airport, he helped me with my luggage and we didn't get to hug each other one last time because we're both too awkward at this. I remember not giving meaning to it back then as I was supposed to fly home in a month and a half and we'd talk again and laugh and I'd tell them what it's like to live here and how's school. What could happen in forty days, right?
But instead I didn't make it to the funeral and in a month and a half only saw his brand new grave. Pretty sucks. I still can't imagine how my wonderful Mom handled it herself and managed not to lose her mind.
I, however, lost count of the mornings, days and nights that I spent crying into the pillow trying not to wake my roommate up. Living so far away and not being around, it felt like I was in some kind of bubble, which hurt me, but at the same time saved me from suffering too much. Like I didn't have a chance to realise what happened, it just didn't feel real enough. Does it make sense?
I still see him in my dreams very often. Basically, everything was a trigger to start tearing up, but I was extremely lucky to have such great people around me, and in 1500km away, to support me, including the one from the capitol 1 (and 3 ha), who was basically the one to push me going.
So, never thought it could get any worse than that. Gosh, it's always so unexpected.But instead I didn't make it to the funeral and in a month and a half only saw his brand new grave. Pretty sucks. I still can't imagine how my wonderful Mom handled it herself and managed not to lose her mind.
I, however, lost count of the mornings, days and nights that I spent crying into the pillow trying not to wake my roommate up. Living so far away and not being around, it felt like I was in some kind of bubble, which hurt me, but at the same time saved me from suffering too much. Like I didn't have a chance to realise what happened, it just didn't feel real enough. Does it make sense?
I still see him in my dreams very often. Basically, everything was a trigger to start tearing up, but I was extremely lucky to have such great people around me, and in 1500km away, to support me, including the one from the capitol 1 (and 3 ha), who was basically the one to push me going.
Capitol 3: Heartbreak #2 or how I lost my rock, my confidence and a little bit of myself
Not that I didn't think it would happen one day. I mean, some days it felt like destiny was against us and we fought it but could never win.
Not that I didn't know we weren't supposed to be together. I probably knew it best, from the very beginning, from all the times I doubted, from the first time we met, and still, I took the risk when I said that we could try. Maybe the problem was that it was always me, like if I needed it most.
So was it my fault after all? Did we build a ship to wreck? I don't know. But I guess we both needed someone. The only thing is that I really fell for it, for him, and I could see us in the future. I loved what we had. Now, two months later, I can say that it was absolutely worth it and I'm grateful even if it doesn't seem like it, and I'm still proud of him and of myself.
But this break up has become the final nail in the coffin when I actually fell apart.
You see, there's huge disappointment in realizing that you can't give each other what you need and failing at finding compromise. There's unexplainable pain in leaving someone you still love and feeling betrayed for being replaced almost immediately. I know, it shouldn't matter once you realize you've never been loved as you thought you were, but somehow it hurts even more.
I spent weeks crying my eyes out, waking up at 4 AM to cry some more, suffocating, having panic attacks, and every time I started feeling better I found myself falling deeper and deeper into the dark hole of self-doubting and overthinking. Until one day when I woke up at 4 AM to message him we cannot be "friends" and block every social network, which was the best thing I could've done for my mental health if I wished to stay sane. At this point I couldn't bear myself being like this, weak and pathetic, as much I couldn't bear his indifference and total lack of concern. Why in the hell would I need such a "friend"? Although I gotta admit that I'm not/wasn't the easiest person to communicate with. But I needed him the most.
Still I don't regret a word that's been said. I don't regret anything that's been done, basically. Only the things I could've done better or things I didn't tell.
Not that I didn't know we weren't supposed to be together. I probably knew it best, from the very beginning, from all the times I doubted, from the first time we met, and still, I took the risk when I said that we could try. Maybe the problem was that it was always me, like if I needed it most.
So was it my fault after all? Did we build a ship to wreck? I don't know. But I guess we both needed someone. The only thing is that I really fell for it, for him, and I could see us in the future. I loved what we had. Now, two months later, I can say that it was absolutely worth it and I'm grateful even if it doesn't seem like it, and I'm still proud of him and of myself.
But this break up has become the final nail in the coffin when I actually fell apart.
You see, there's huge disappointment in realizing that you can't give each other what you need and failing at finding compromise. There's unexplainable pain in leaving someone you still love and feeling betrayed for being replaced almost immediately. I know, it shouldn't matter once you realize you've never been loved as you thought you were, but somehow it hurts even more.
I spent weeks crying my eyes out, waking up at 4 AM to cry some more, suffocating, having panic attacks, and every time I started feeling better I found myself falling deeper and deeper into the dark hole of self-doubting and overthinking. Until one day when I woke up at 4 AM to message him we cannot be "friends" and block every social network, which was the best thing I could've done for my mental health if I wished to stay sane. At this point I couldn't bear myself being like this, weak and pathetic, as much I couldn't bear his indifference and total lack of concern. Why in the hell would I need such a "friend"? Although I gotta admit that I'm not/wasn't the easiest person to communicate with. But I needed him the most.
Still I don't regret a word that's been said. I don't regret anything that's been done, basically. Only the things I could've done better or things I didn't tell.
But on the positive side, now that I can see straight, I know that this was the best decision someone could ever make for me. Without it I'd never make it out of my comfort zone, never meet amazing people I've met. To be honest, I don't think I ever was that "social" as I am for this last couple of months. And turned out I'm stronger and smarter than I thought I was, and all my fears were for nothing. Not that I don't miss him, I'm still (very) sad sometimes. But I can (finally) live with that.
In the end, I'm still in this city I dreamt about, living the life I wanted, full of ambitions, goals and exciting prospects. I am still me.
xx, D
